loony bin

I wonder what one has to do in order to be put into the loony bin. Last night I had thought, maybe I can walk out of my apartment in nothing but a bra, boxers and cowboy boots. I would walk down past the mall to a hotel that had an outdoor pool and jump in... boxers, bra, boots and all... then I'd sing the Star Spangled Banner at the top of my lungs until they picked me up and placed me in a mental institution. I could lay in bed all day, get three meals brought to me on a little tray, along with some wonderful emotion numbing drugs, and just be blah. I could get as angry as I want. I could get as depressed as I want. I could let all of the emotions just bubble to the surface instead of hiding behind sarcasm and a smile. With my luck, though, I would have just been put in jail.

Today I saw this little girl, probably about 2 or 3 years old. She was walking a ways behind her older sister and just wailing... tears staining her cheeks. What is the age when you learn to hide your emotions in public. Is it a lesson that our parents teach us? There is no crying in baseball.. or in public. Never yell when you are angry. Never laugh too loud when something is funny. Smile... if you don't smile then everyone will wonder who died.

Ted Rogers Allaire. That's who died. In August of 2003, I moved to Mt. Pleasant, SC with 2 of my best friends. We hadn't even lived in SC for a week before I had met Ted. He strut through the smoky bar up to the microphone to sing Bon Jovi at Karaoke... jeans, black shirt, black cowboy hat... it was the perfect scene from a sappy romantic comedy. A month later, the cowboy remembered me when he saw me again. We began dating, fell in love, began wedding planning, and then like every fairy tale (at least in my life), everything fell apart. We had been together for 2 and a half years when I finally broke everything off for good. In the scheme of things, it was for the best... even through the pain of a broken heart, and the subsequent pain of losing that perfect wedding I had been planning on.

Sunday evening I received a call from who I have learned now was his wife, although I had always only known her as his ex-girlfriend. Ted was in a jet ski accident on Saturday night and died. I can't seem to say anything else... can't say he passed away or didn't make it or moved towards the light or even kicked the bucket... Ted is dead. He is dead and we had really loved each other.

Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am. But I am mostly avoiding people so that I don't have to exhaust myself keeping to society's rules about public displays of emotion. I have gone just a little crazy. I don't think its truly time for the loony bin, but I don't even have the energy to keep up with my own thoughts and emotions. I have told people for almost a year now just how very excited I am to turn 30. I have said that the twenties have done all they could to beat the hope out of me. I think those damned twenties are just doing their best to get a few last kicks in. I just hope they have gotten it all out, because I don't think I can handle another blow.

Yet I stare those twenties in the face, hand balled into a fist and say "take that you damned twenties!!! I will remain an optimist, an idealist, a person with hope... I will believe in the good in people and a happy ending in the future!!" Everyone is right, even though I may be going a little nuts right now, I am strong. And tonight I remember why...

"but he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.' So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."
-2 Cor 12:9

home.

well kids... all good stories must come to an end. I came to the Noog looking for life and found misery. Its not your fault, Noog... you did all you could. You enticed me with your pretty mountains and rivers and opened your doors to me with welcoming hearts. But as another turn in the road would have it. I must take my leave.

I am moving back home. I have realized over the past decade that home is not a fixed place. I have a home in so many locations around this country. However, my search for home has led me back to Madison, WI. Perhaps someday our paths will cross again, Noog...

For the past 17 days I have been hibernating, soul searching, getting pissed off, getting sad, and breathing in LIFE... There are so many to thank for taking care of me. Greg... you are my hero. You took me in and let me be a mass of nothingness for as long as I needed to. Misty... how I have been blessed with you in my life for so long is truly a mystery. You have always helped me up from my mistakes without judgment and with that gentle loving way about you. Shelle, you are my MOH... and that really means that you hold a special place of honor in my life. You are so good to me. You know me better than anyone, flaws and all, and still laugh with me about my mistakes and cheer me on (even if this one landed you what you've been wanting for so long... me home... I know that you would've supported me regardless of where life took me). My Mad-Towners (Shane, Miranda, JP, Tals, Chuckie, Jamie, Mike, Jillian,Katie)... can you imagine how it feels to have so many people missing you and gathering around you in a time of pain? You are a unique group of friends and I am so proud to be a part of it! Lance & Robin... you always know what to say... even if you don't know that you do. Advice from you is almost always painfully accurate and genuinely loving. Jon... a blast from my past that reminded me of both simpler times and the complex realities that I MUST face now... no more hiding. and Mom... you are phenomenal. I don't know how we are going to survive each other living together again... but in the end we both know our bickering is somehow rooted in love. Thank you for always being the voice in my head.

And as I finish up this post... I can hear the music from the Oscars playing telling me to quit thanking people and get off the damned stage... well, what did you expect? we all know how I love being the center of attention!! I've made decision #1 on my new adventure... move home.

there's no place like home.

Life.

I took a walk today.

A squirrel looked around the base of a tree at me curiously.

I saw lilacs. Do lilacs grow in the south? I don't remember ever seeing lilacs south of the mason dixon line in the past 7 years that I've lived here.

I had to take off my jacket. Its warmed up here in the past few days. The heat from the sun was warm and comforting on my shoulders. And as I stopped to take a deep breath, I remembered that there is life all around. For almost a year now, my life has been Earth Fare. I would have never quit... and now, well, there is life.

for those of you a little confused at all this, I lost my job on Monday. Well, its actually funny that people say they "lost" their job. For most, its not like you wake up one day and, oops!! where'd my job go? You don't start a search party looking for your job, or retrace your last steps trying to remember where you had laid down that damned job. No, most people just get fired. The funny thing is, I know that I got fired on Monday... but I lost my job a while ago. I have been retracing my steps to figure out where it went. I have enlisted friends and family to help me find it again and make it work again. Getting fired was the easy part. My life has been completely tied up with Earth Fare for about a year now. I've even written about finding a life outside Earth Fare. Did you ever read many posts that told of my success in that? Probably because there was not much success. The problem with putting your life into your work is that when your work is gone, what is left?

Well, I took a walk today.

There is life.